TITLE: Blemish
AUTHOR: Mexx
DISCLAIMER: BtVS characters do not belong to me.
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: “They don’t need me flawed, dark, crazy Faith, who kisses death and will soon enough bite the dust.”
FEEDBACK: Would be much appreciated.

A blemish. That’s what I am to them, a dark ugly spot that they don’t like, an unpredictable eruption that occasionally livens up their dull lives, but otherwise they wish it would go away. Dark and ugly and should vanish.

Dark and ugly and evil and they don’t want me, don’t need me. They have Buffy: faultless, beautiful, darling Buffy, smells like sunshine and smiles like a china doll. They don’t need me flawed, dark, crazy Faith, who kisses death and will soon enough bite the dust.

Fighting near her, protecting her, being protected by her, just to be able to touch her and for one moment the chance to be as perfect and loved as her. To fit into her world of friends and lovers and family and people who care. Who love.

And I don’t even want their damn love, I just want to be allowed close enough to feel their sunshine, to laugh with them in the park, even if it means I’m the dark cloud on their sunny blue sky… Even if it means I’m ruining their joy, blemishing their happiness. I wanna have fun.

Fun to them means clean, it means laughter and sunshine, it means jokes from Xander and cute comments from Willow. But to me it’s different, it’s about enjoying yourself, being free, being whole, being yourself, even if all you are is a dark blemish that nobody likes. Buffy knows what fun is, sometimes, she’ll even let herself have it, she lets herself go, stops being the sunshine princess and lets herself be like me. A dark, imperfect flaw, a blemish.

They don’t like me, I know that, I’m not stupid. I know they think I’m the one that’s changing her, making her like me and not like them anymore, a dark, vapid hole that’s engulfing her whole, turning her into me until there’s nothing left of them inside of her except a little bit of perfect china skin that hasn’t been corrupted by dark, ugly me.

They think that I’m not real, not a constant in their lives, that if they ignore me or cover me up I won’t be there anymore. But I will. Lurking beneath the surface ready to make dark, dirty spots on their perfect, porcelain existence.

Some people say beauty is skin deep. Smooth and beautiful and available for anyone to gaze upon. Or destroy. A sharp knife can cut across faultless skin leaving a dark line of blood and pain, blemishing a picture perfect face for the rest of eternity.

Maybe the true beauty of a person lies deep within them, beneath the cosmetics and hair brushes and clothes lies a person whose true self shies away from others. These people hide their personality flaws with acting and lies and deceit.

Some people have both, they wear the make-up to hide the ugly flaws on their faces and they pretend to be someone they’re not in front of the people they’re supposed to be like.

I don’t care. I’m me. Nobody likes me I know, I’m not even a person with flaws to them, I’m just one big flaw. A blemish on their perfect lives.

-- finis