TITLE: Bittersweet
AUTHOR: Mexx
DISCLAIMER: All Buffy the Vampire characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I think.
IMPROV: #53, Crayola Crayon Colour Title.
SUMMARY: Buffy’s pov on how her wants have changed.
FEEDBACK: Much wanted.

I used to wish for trees. I used to wish for candles and sweets and toys. I wished for my Barbie doll’s head not to be broken.

When I was five years old and I fell out with my best friend because she wouldn’t lend me her red crayon. I thought I hated her, I thought I was upset.

How was I to know I was happy?

I don’t need to have the Barbie dolls or crayons anymore, I can take care of myself and I don’t borrow from anyone. I’m my own person, and I can kick ass better than anyone. But it doesn’t make me happy.

At the age of seven, I was given a Victorian doll’s bed as a birthday gift. I didn’t get the new doll or doll’s house I begged my parents for. I didn’t have a wooden house to keep clean or a plastic baby to take care of. Now, at the age of twenty-one I have a whole house that I have to keep clean, and pay the bills for, and take out the trash. I have a sixteen year old sister who I have to mother and take care of. But it isn’t what I want.

When I was ten, just discovering the joys of the opposite sex, but still naïve enough to enjoy playing with Barbie dolls, I threw my dolls on the floor in anger. Barbie and Ken couldn’t love each other because they couldn’t sleep together because they had painted, plastic eyes that wouldn’t close. I didn’t think then that eleven years later I would crave just to sleep wide eyed in the arms of my Ken.

Throughout my childhood, playing with my cousin, I was Power Girl: strong and a saviour. Nothing ever went wrong and everything had a happy ending. Now I really have the power I just want to make it all go away.

I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but none of it makes me happy. Now that I’ve lost what I had, I want it all back. I want the best friend that didn’t lend me crayons because then at least I’d have a best friend. I want broken doll because then I could curl up on my Mom’s lap and ask her to fix it for me. I want the dolls bed so I can sleep on it myself, and rest for awhile. I want Ken and Barbie because they had it easy, they never fought or went evil or slept together – all they had to deal with was an impudent ten year old throwing them onto the floor in anger. I want to be Power Girl again, because then I everything would have a happy ending and nobody would die. I want what I had but will never have again, and I’ve got what I wanted but it isn’t what I needed.

~finis